About Communicating with Toxic Relatives

I came across this news:

"About 15% of Russians aged 20 to 30 have completely stopped communicating with their relatives, while another 25% are deliberately limiting contact with them. These figures were reported by a Telegram channel, which linked the trend to an interest in psychology, personal boundaries, and “working through one’s issues.”
According to the publication, approximately one-third of Zoomers and millennials describe their relationships with their parents as distant. One of the most common requests to psychologists concerns separating from one’s mother.
The specialists interviewed claim that over the past two years, demand for therapy addressing this issue has increased by 5,000%. In their observation, women aged 22–33 and men aged 35–40 are the most likely to seek help.
A 27-year-old Moscow resident named Tatyana shared one of her stories with the publication. The young woman reduced contact with her mother, who, according to her, constantly criticized her daughter’s appearance and lifestyle, advised her to have children as soon as possible, and get back together with her ex-husband.
After working with a psychologist, the Muscovite began setting boundaries around topics she did not want to discuss and ending conversations when the criticism continued. As a result, the relatives began calling each other less often, while Tatyana herself says she felt better.
Psychologist Irina Grekova explained to the publication that distancing oneself does not necessarily mean a permanent breakdown in the relationship. According to her, such a measure is sometimes necessary if attempts to reach an agreement do not work and contact with close ones continue to have a negative impact on a person’s condition."

What do you think? I invite you to discuss it.

Speaking for myself, this news caught my attention because I had a situation where I stopped communicating with my mother. And, incidentally, it was precisely thanks to psychology that I tried to restore the relationship and made attempts to build healthier communication. However, it ultimately ended with my mother blocking me herself. And throughout all those attempts, it was extremely difficult for my mental health. I’m not the only one who can’t communicate with my mother; many other people, both close and distant acquaintances, can’t either. She even brought men to tears. And unexpectedly, not long ago, my uncle wrote to me. He is, just so you understand, an extremely kind-hearted and cheerful person, a little out of touch with the world; he seems like nothing could possibly upset him. So, he shared that he simply couldn’t understand my mother or why she treated him “like that.” That completely stunned me. I thought that if even a person like him—calmer and kinder than anyone I have probably ever met in my life—felt distressed by communicating with her, then apparently I shouldn’t demand anything more of myself or expect that I could somehow endure all the endless criticism, threats, manipulation, and insults while trying to meet her halfway, only to hear new insults every time in response to any of my efforts and attempts at friendliness and warmth....

And I also developed one strange symptom for the first time In my life, this had never happened before—specifically when I was trying to resume communication with her and reading another episode of abuse in our messages every day. How I and everyone else had ruined her life and were to blame for everything.

I’m sharing this story, and my opinion is that, of course, you shouldn’t cut ties with loved ones; they are precious. But sometimes a loved one genuinely harms both you and your health, and all attempts to communicate peacefully are met with hostility. This may not involve physical violence, for example, but the damage inflicted on your mental health can sometimes be even more severe.

It is hardly surprising that more and more young people are cutting off communication with relatives who are genuinely toxic. My own experience also confirms that sometimes this is the best decision.

In relationships, it is important to be able to compromise, talk everything through, and discuss things, but this has to be mutual. Of course, now that psychology is more popular, people are also more aware when they have even a basic understanding of it. And there is hope that gradually there will be more and more mindful parents, as well as fewer parents who believe that just because a child was born to them, the child owes them everything and has no rights of their own; that because they themselves “endured and suffered” during difficult times, their child should too; and that because they were beaten or shouted at in their own family, or did not even have a room of their own, their child should have neither boundaries nor self-respect.

I know stories about such people, mostly women (men probably have a somewhat easier time establishing boundaries by nature), who gave in to and sacrificed everything for their tyrannical mothers. To the point that they quarreled with and broke up with all their fiancés and suitors because their mothers criticized every one of them and forbade them from being together; gave up their dream jobs because their mothers were categorically against such work; had no home of their own or free time because their mothers reproached them, saying they had no conscience if they wanted to be happy while their mothers were eternally unhappy; and spent all their time catering to their mothers’ endless tantrums and whims.

And what was the result? Do you think such mothers Do they calm down at some point? Did they say, “Well, since my daughter sacrificed everything and gave up her life for me, I’ll finally become affectionate toward her now”? No! They only cursed her and manipulated her even more.... And that daughter no longer has the strength to fight or hope; everything has been drained out of her.

I’m talking about several real stories.

And yes, those same mothers will later say that psychology is evil, separation is wrong, and parents are sacred. Yes, it is important to honor and love your parents, but parents themselves have responsibilities toward their child. Moreover, they were the ones who decided to give birth to that child and give them life. It was their choice. But keeping a tally and giving birth so that the child would later supposedly owe them everything (essentially putting them in the place of their own parent) means violating the very laws of life! Separation is a phenomenon found everywhere in nature. Life continues only this way. A child must grow up, become independent, and live their own life separately; give birth to new children and care for them; build their own nest with a partner, rather than constantly looking back to see whether their mother approves of their partner, profession, or appearance. True love is the ability to give freedom; it means wishing the best for the person you love. And when you are a parent, you give to your child without demanding anything in return! You are always ready to support and protect them. At the same time, there is no longer any overprotectiveness or tyranny: you let the child go, but you do not sever the connection. The more competently separation is carried out, the easier it is to becomefor a child to become an adult and self-reliant, find their calling in life, and build a relationship with an equally mature and self-sufficient partner—this benefits everyone! The parents will be repaid a hundredfold later, because their grown-up child will achieve success and will love and thank them freely, without being pressured to do so.

If separation does not happen, then either the child will remain a child or take on the role of their parent’s parent or spouse—and life does not move forward! Everyone will suffer. There will be no healthy relationships; any subsequent children, if they miraculously appear, will likewise carry the burden of “I have owed something since birth,” “I have no right to be happy,” and so on. Alternatively, the child may sever all ties themselves; there are plenty of such cases too. If they are not allowed to separate, they will either remain a lifelong slave—a “little basket son” or a sacrificial daughter turned grandmother (their mother’s mother), remaining a spineless amoeba—or they will separate on their own. But that is difficult. Separation must be initiated by the parent: letting go and giving their blessing for adult life.

And if someone is later called selfish—“How could you abandon me?” “How can you not sacrifice everything for me?” and so on—pay attention: the only selfish person here is that very parent, who does not think about the child’s happiness at all, but demands that they abandon their own life and dreams. This parent does not belong to the category of “parents are sacred” in any way; this is a person disconnected from light and love, an energy vampire, and theywants to drain all the resources and energy from their younger, more energetic child, and wants to dump all their unresolved traumas and grievances onto them!

Not all parents are like that, and I hope that even now, in Kali Yuga, most still remain loving and caring. But if a parent is as described above, it is important to understand that there is nothing good in indulging or supporting their eccentric behavior.

My qualification is a doctorate in psychology.
For several years, I stopped communicating with my parents. During that time, I lived in a spiritual community, practiced meditation, and so on. Eventually, I restored our relationship after leaving the sect. I now promote family values. Father of four.

3 333555 , Quote

It was ill-advised of you to start a Topic like this during Pitri Paksha, the period of honoring one’s ancestors. This means that during this significant Period, the discussion will be about “toxic relatives.”
I am not saying that this topic should not be discussed at all—it is very important.
But during this period, it would probably be better, more important, and perhaps much more appropriate and beneficial to focus attention on ancestral practices and Courses on working with one’s lineage. Conducting and participating in them can help resolve difficult ancestral situations and ease one’s condition.

7371 , it was a coincidence: I came across the news that day and wrote about it. But I think it can do good rather than harm, because for someone it may be an opportunity to share their feelings and open their heart. Not to hold on to resentment. And also to think about how and why things happen, and how both sides can avoid making mistakes so that things do not end in a breakup. After all, I didn’t make up the news, and it would be interesting to discuss and explore it—is this a common phenomenon? Why does it happen? What has everyone encountered, and who needs support? To talk, so that it is easier to let go of the pain. To reflect on how relationships can be built in a non-toxic way in the future. Perhaps this topic may also be of interest to those who have experienced psychological abuse from toxic relatives and may feel relieved to know they are not alone. Or perhaps to those who are about to embark on—or have already embarked on—the path of toxic behavior: to reflect, stop, and change something. That’s how I see it.

Moreover, it seems to me that all the wonderful practices you talk about are easier to do once you have spoken about what is in your heart. Accepting that someone has caused you pain and acknowledging that you will not be able to establish a relationship with everyone personally—and that every person is free not to agree with you about creating love. Some people only want to destroy. Then our task is to let go; and, without a doubt, practices and self-development are things we can do internally, even when someone continues to behave aggressively outwardly.You can refuse to be a punching bag while also allowing yourself to cry it out, let go, and move forward through practices that cultivate gratitude and love.

3 333555 , Quote

Yes, understood
It’s just that a Period has now begun when it would be better to gently shift the focus of attention from discussing the toxicity of our ancestors to Ancestral Practices—the first steps toward improving the situation.

7371 , There is a choice here for everyone regarding which topic they want to develop and discuss, and it does not seem as though any users have special privileges to decide or lecture others about what they may or may not talk about. The only one who can decide this is OM Shanti itself, in accordance with the School's rules.

You write in what appears on the surface to be a warm and respectful way, with smileys, but in reality it comes across as judging how others express their feelings with complete openness. There is always the option not to take part in a discussion of a topic that is not relevant to you right now, isn't there? But entering it and trying to forbid others from discussing it—that seems strange to me.

7371 , the Teacher never says that we should discuss only "love and goodness"; on the contrary, you can often notice how he emphasizes the importance of not ignoring evil, not avoiding it in discussions, and not turning a blind eye to it.

And yes, everyone can discuss here what is important to them. You do not have to participate in this discussion.

1 1081111 , 3 333555 , my message is not at all about what you are talking about. And in my message, I am not “lecturing” anyone, and certainly not “trying to forbid anything”—I say this explicitly in the message. It was about a different Focus of Attention during this period, which is important because of its possibilities.
But it seems you have already made your choice about what to do during Pitri-Paksha.

7371 , that is precisely what your messages are about; if we shorten them and get to the point, it sounds like this: "You are communicating incorrectly here and bringing negativity when you should be thinking only about the positive."

Even here:

7371 said:

But it seems you have already made your choice about what to do during Pitri-Paksha.

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one can again read judgment and evaluation.

1 1081111 , Quote

Please stop.
There are no such words or “essences” in my messages; you have imagined them.
Just switch to Ancestral Practices.

7371 , let’s look at this from the outside: you keep coming into this very topic and telling everyone that it shouldn’t be discussed and that people should remain silent, but wouldn’t it be easier for you simply not to enter this topic and not read the discussions taking place here?

7371 said:

But it seems you have already made your choice about what to do during Pitri Paksha.

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Also, are you clairvoyant, if you judge people and know exactly what they are doing during this period? And how, then, should we judge what you are doing if you participate in this topic—also doing something you are not supposed to?

7371 , I read your clarification: you are suggesting a different focus of attention, rather than considering the topic itself unnecessary. But I can also understand why the female participants heard this as an attempt to stop them. When someone talks about difficult relationships, being told to “switch focus” again may be perceived as “this should not be discussed right now.” The intention to help and the way that help is perceived diverged here. This does not require attributing bad motives to anyone, but it is important to take this difference into account.

One thought from the author in one of the replies stayed with me: it is easier for her to turn to practice after she has first managed to talk through what is weighing on her. In my view, this is a perfectly understandable sequence. One can respect one’s family while also acknowledging that certain forms of communication with them cause pain. Acknowledging this does not mean erasing everything good that existed in the family.

In message 1081111, I agree with the emphasis on mutuality: it is difficult to reach agreements if the right to make one’s own decisions is recognized only for one person. At the same time, I would be more cautious with labels such as “energy vampire.” To understand the situation, it is more useful to name the specific action: insults, threatens, demands that someone give up work or a relationship. Then it is possible to discuss how to respond to it without turning the person as a whole into an embodiment of evil.

And story 999, about restoring contact with one’s parents, also adds an important perspective. Distance can result from very different circumstances. Withdrawal under the influence of a community and an attempt to protect oneself from repeated humiliation may look the same on the surface, but the reasons and subsequent decisions will differ. Based solely on the fact that communication has ended, I would not draw any conclusions about either a person’s maturity or selfishness.

What interests me here is the practical question: what helps people move from “You must be the way I need you to be” to a relationship between two adults? For example: “Mom, I’ve heard your opinion. I’ll make the decision myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.” Such a phrase does not guarantee agreement, but it leaves room both for independence and for maintaining the connection.

If anyone has managed to change the way they communicate with loved ones, it would be helpful to hear what small step it began with. This includes parents who had to learn to accept the independence of their adult children.

7371 , were you personally granted any special privileges to decide whether a user may create and discuss a particular topic here at the School? Or privileges to give instructions and guidance about what they should do and what they should think? If not, why are you trying to restrict others' rights to share their feelings and express their opinions?

I hope the discussion here will nevertheless return to the main topic—sharing experiences and opinions about who has encountered toxic relatives, how, and what they have or have not managed to change in their interactions. What everyone feels and thinks about it. If someone is not interested in the topic, they do not have to participate and can communicate elsewhere; no one is forcing them.

3 337 , thank you for taking part in the discussion.

3 333555 , Quote
when I need to visit relatives who are emotionally irritable or tired, I turn on the Ra-fields while I’m still on my way to them—the fields for neutralizing negative energies in their home and the field of good mood. It helps. I sometimes do the same with my wife when she gets some kind of negativity into her head and “stews” in it; I invoke the fields, and as a rule, it helps within a few minutes.

52640 , thank you for sharing.

Practices definitely help, and in my experience, even when my mother was the one who cut me off, practices can help me feel either bad about it, or even take the blame again and replay her criticism in my head—or feel love and respect her choice.

I also look at this issue this way: encountering toxic relatives is our karma, one way or another. Which means, once again, that practices are important for working with it. Both spiritual and psychological practices—anything that helps. At the same time, there is some lesson, some challenge: why am I in this situation, and why do I have this toxic relative? Sometimes they come into our lives to teach us how to establish our boundaries and protect ourselves from pressure...

In general, for me there is a separate question: why do such people exist in the world? Maybe someone else would also find it interesting to discuss.

That is, we all know that tyrants, abusers, psychopaths, and people who try to suppress others, their freedom of choice, their speech, and their rights exist. There have been and still are such people in this world. Sometimes the cases are extreme, and sometimes they are "milder." If they exist, then are they needed for some reason? What does everyone think?

333555 said:

In general, for me this is a separate topic: what are such people in the world for? Maybe someone else would also be interested in discussing it.

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At some point I came across a post by a Vedic astrologer, but I can't find it now, so I can't quote it exactly. But it went roughly like this. There are the Devas—let's call them angels for the sake of convenience—and the Asuras—let's call them demons, again for the sake of convenience. And when “everything is calm and fine,” the Devas just sit around and relax, while apsaras dance for them somewhere in the heavens; they drink divine nectar and enjoy themselves. They don't have to exert themselves. That is, until the asuras become insolent once again, and some demon gains such superpowers through austerities that he is about to conquer the entire world and starts threatening the Devas. Then the Devas have to get up from their little couches and go bow before Shiva and Vishnu so that they will help and protect them, creating a new special weapon for them, sending a protective Goddess, or doing something else. They have to sweat and fight evil.

Maybe that's the point...

337 said:

7371 @7371, I have read your clarification: you are suggesting a different focus of attention, rather than considering the topic itself unnecessary.

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Thank you for noticing my clarification and what was actually written in the first message. I quote: “I am not saying that this topic should not be discussed at all—it is very important.” Thank you for shifting the Focus of Attention truly toward Practice—toward small steps. And my first message also mentioned precisely “the small step with which Changes in communication with loved ones begin”—starting with simple Ancestral practices and the School’s Courses on working with the Ancestral Lineage. It is a pity that the participants for whom this topic is relevant did NOT “see” the help and what was actually written, but saw only “smilies” and something else, “their own” interpretation.

1 1081111 , after all, the devas in this story didn’t wait for the asuras to become kinder )))) They went looking for help. If I were to draw a parallel, this part resonates with me the most. Otherwise, it’s easy to start thinking that you just need to endure a little longer, work on yourself a bit more, and then people will finally start treating you properly. Of course, it would be nice if things worked that way. But the other person also has to want to change something.

3 333555 , I don’t know what such people are needed for. It’s hard for me to agree that someone necessarily has to make another person suffer for them to learn something. You can learn, sure. But you can also grow alongside loving people, not only through pain.